15 posts tagged “nonsense”

Ladies, you know I love you.

Yet I gotta be honest here. No offense, but I think that a vast majority of the women in the Pacific Northwest are  crazy. No, not your standard girl crazy either. Im talking straight up retarded crazy. 

The final nail in the coffin was last night. I was chatting up a girl (one that I have known to some degree on and off for about half a year). Im making small talk. We get along well - I think she is attractive, she is kinda flirty with me, and well ... she laughs at almost all of my jokes. She even laughs when I make fun of her, "Oh Cinderella, you got to go home at 10 because your coach is turning back into a pumpkin?"

Out of curiosity, I bridge the conversation ...

Me: "So we havent gotten a chance to chat in a while. Tell me the scoop - got a good man in your life?"

Her: "No. Im just not finding anyone that I can really connect with..."

Me: *gives inquisitive look, detecting there is more to that story*

She goes on to explain about way older guys being into her. How thats getting all awkward. I listen intently and butt in some standard comments here and there. She turns the question back on me. I explained how I dance a lot, and how that makes dating *very* difficult and convoluted.

Her: "I have never dated a guy who likes to dance."

Me: "Hrm. Why not?"

Her: "Well, I guess it never crosses my mind to think of someone in that direction. And besides, its kinda nice to have a situation where I have my thing (dance) and he has his thing (something notdance)."

Hold the phone.

What?!

First of all, girls who dance are silly. They really do not quite grasp the fact that they are surrounded by guys who like to dance - something a helluvalotta girls would die for in a man.

Second of all, I think its really strange that you wouldnt want to share something in common like dance. If you love it, and your romantic interest loves it ... it becomes something you can do together. Thats the stuff that most girls dreams are made of right there.

Unless you are fairly one dimensional, you can still have seperate things to do that are your *own thing*. But dance is a pretty silly one to view this way. I mean, its usually meant to be performed between a guy and a girl. And when you have unabashed feelings for your partner, you open up a whole world of possibilities in dance expression. Finally, you can both work together towards the common goal of getting better (for a dancer, a lifelong pursuit).

I just dont understand the problem at all.

Now, I dont advocate actively looking for someone to date when you are going out dancing. Especially from the male side, that can often lead to mucho creepiness. But I do suggest that you keep your eyes open.

Heck, most relationship experts will tell you that the best way to meet potentially good matches is to ...

Go find an activity that you love to do.

Because it establishes a mutually common ground for conversations and activities. Which is a huge building block for just about any kind of good relationship.

Unless you are crazy. Then those blocks probably wont build anything, except maybe another Winchester House of Mystery. And if thats your thing ...

Maybe you should join the rest out here in the Northwest.

(or not) 

Lets go over the ridiculous nonsense that happened to me today, shall we?

Goals

1. Renew Tabs
2. Get New Debit Card

 

Itemized Shenanigans Unfolding

1. Go to bank, explain that new card was shipped on 2nd, has not arrived
2. Wait in line for 30 minutes
3. Explain to rep. She begins process of new card.
4. Card printer is broken, am told to go to branch 2 blocks up the street.
5. Go to other branch. Teller in Training thinks its best to void old card and replace with new one
6. Go to ATM outside to use new card - it crashes with a Blue Screen. TWICE.
7. Go inside and explain. They tell me to go back to other branch to withdraw
8. Go back to other branch. Grab $40.
9. Go to emissions. PASS!
10. Go to DOL in Factoria. It has moved to Crossroads (4 blocks from where the bank is!!!)
11. Go to Crossroads DOL.
12. Wait in Line for 20 minutes.
13. Go to teller. My turn!
14. They only accept cash or check (What year is it again?!?!)
15. Go to ATM behind me.
16. Card Denied
17. Go back to teller - she says use ATM by movies and come back. Dont take number.
18. Go to movie theater.
19. Card Denied!
20. Hop in car, run back to original bank to use ATM.
21. Card Denied!
22. Card EATEN by ATM Machine!!! (this is the same machine that took it before, btw)
23. Go inside and explain what happened. Holding up the DENIED AND EATEN receipt
24. Told I have to wait in line.
25. Nice Lady hops off her post to help me.
26. Phone Conversation with Main branch. Lady is hopping back and forth between her desk and Customer Service.
27. 20 minutes later, new card is issued (again)
28. Go to ATM to get cash.
29. ATM is thinking.
30. Thinking.
31. THINKING! (omg, if it eats my card again, Im dying. I told this to the teller too)
32. Finally get my cash.
33. Run back to DOL.
34. Ignore glares from people who I just bypassed.
35. Explain to teller what happened.
36. Get my tabs.
37. Yay!!!

Total Time: 4 hours.

W.T.F. Over.

That is all.

One of my deepest small pleasures in life are Warning Labels.

I love to read all the ridiculous things they say. And some of the pictures amuse me to no end. I really wish I could just take pictures of them all. Because seriously ... they make me laugh like no other.

In my mind, I read them out loud with a very DOOMsdayish voice. Like IMPENDING DOOM! Cause there really isnt any other way to read em.

Two old ones come to mind, image-wise.

I knew someone who bought a curling iron. On the instructions, it had an image of someone poking themselves in the eye with a hot curling iron. Yes. poking. in the eye! Who knew that this was not *proper* use of a hot piece of metal? Thanks Guys!

On the green plastic bag for the original XBox. There was a picture of a baby with the bag over its head. This had the slashed-circle graphic (aka NO!) around it. Yes. No Babies with dey Heads Inna BAG!!! (Again, thanks guys.)

I was reminded of this today when I saw the warning label of a blowdryer. It says in all caps:

" 'UNPLUG IT!' DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG! WARN CHILDREN OF THE RISK OF DEATH BY ELECTRIC SHOCK!"

In my mind, I pictured myself running around on a playground, franctically screaming to all the children, "ELECTRIC SHOCK! Warning! Its a RISK!!!! OF DEATH!"

And then I looked at the image. A hairdryer, plugged in, and floating above a tub of water. A big red slash through both. Apparently, levitating hairdryers and bathtubs should be nowhere near each other. Especially if said levitating hairdryer has squiqqly lines around it.

Yes. I am amused.

I was standing in line at the local Safeway. Tall woman cashier. Taller dude in front of me.

Dude starts trying to make conversation. He does the whole "How are you doing?" thing. Simple, non-committal. But you could tell by his stance and his voice that it wasnt with simple intent.

Cashier is not looking at him, she is looking down. Gives him the canned reply. He doesnt say anything to grab her attention. And a moment of silence passes. He looks down.

You can feel the awkward level creep up a notch as he says, "So how is your night tonight?" I mentall shake my head, because well .. Thats the same damn question you *just* asked her. I have never seen that tactic work.

She gives him a brief glance. I got to admit, she had a cold air about her. I was thinking about trying to get her to smile when I got to the front, but I wanted to see how this interaction was going to unfold.

Then she says. "Pretty good, how about yours?" It was like hearing a novice read from a script. It had that kind of feeling in her voice. Really big no-go sign, in my opinion.

Guy does not hear the sign. Instead, in a more loose tone he says, "Great, now that I am off of work!"

At this point I mentally facepalmed. Oh man, I felt for this guy. It just kept getting worse and worse. And the awkwardness of the whole situation was thick like London Fog in a horror movie. I could swear that my shoulders were cringing waiting for the murderous blow.

He quickly replies with, "Oh. Ooops." At least he caught how dumb he just sounded. (you could tell that it wasnt a coy play into the next quip to make her giggle. It really was a DOH moment). A pregnant pause.

"Well, maybe later y-..." He says.

And Just STOPS.

I cant imagine a more awkward moment than this. It was Movie-style awkward.  I was watching this guy murder himself, and I felt soooooooo bad for him. it really was that painful. I do have to admit though - it does take a bit of testicular fortitude to carry on with asking someone out, in front of other people, despite how badly a conversation is going. Kudos for TF buddy.

The cashier replies something mostly to herself and the keys she was looking at. She wrings out a chuckle to herself. Then she hands him his receipt, and bids him good night.

And here I am thinking ... Oi.That was painful ...

Didnt you notice the Wedding Ring? Hey man: Pay Attention!

I awoke about 7 minutes before 8am. This made me smile because I had put myself to sleep envisioning what time I needed to wake up - and I was early.

I was still a little bit groggy from staying up til 4. However - it was totally worth it. Its tough to explain really - but if you ever find yourself enjoying a moment (or many) where you forget what time it is, then you can identify with this feeling. (I would say that whatever/whoever causes you to lose time like that is what/who you should strive to be surrounded by).

So i race through a shower, throw on some clothes and check my work email. I had an all-day mandatory training to go to. But I wasnt quite sure where.

Now, you might be thinkin, "Thats a little careless of you." But, picture if you will, the following causes leading up to my confusion:

1) The training was all day, but scheduled as 6 different training events (meaning, you had to register 6 different times)

2) The training event did *not* interface with outlook, so no meeting reminders.

3) I moved to a new building on friday, and have not had intranet access since Thursday.

So I figure that I can just remote into my work account and navigate to the intranet site that will detail the location of the training. Of course, I am wrong. And why is that?! Because I switched domains recently, and the system cannot authenticate me remotely anymore. (because you know, I dont work at a high tech company or anything, so anything intelligently fluid is out of the question).

Ok. Well, I bet I can just get there, and have a receptionist help me out. That is the plan! WHOOSH - gogogo! I grab my ID badge and run out the door.

Traffic isnt that bad, and I am making good time. I arrive at the building of our Wednesday training session about 10 minutes early. I figured it would be a hi probability suspect, since it has large conference rooms and was just used recently. I go to the back.

DOH! It is New Hire Orientation day, and they are cloggin up the conference rooms, and hallway. Some organizer is shouting, and dawdling in the space in front of me. I pick my moment, and sweep around her.

I have an idea! I can call my coworker and ask him where it is. This is just a genius and simple plan! Well, until I realize that I forgot my cellphone at home. Arrg - mumble mumble jumble.

Now I proceed to the Receptionist desk. I look both ladies right in the eye, and explain my situation. Of course, introducing it with a bit of self-deprecation and chuckles. They are eager to help, and spend about 10 minutes looking up information for me. Finally, we surmise that my training is across campus in Building 36.

I rush down to the parking lot. And ... I forgot where I parked. So now, I am wandering around the lot, clicking my car alarm button so that I can try and triangulate its location based upon the noise it makes. I wandered up and down the aisles of cars for about 10 minutes until I finally got this technique to work. I hop in my car and speed away.

Building 36. Im walking up and down the halls, trying to find the conference room (the hallway direction labels are *notoriously* wrong all over campus. Its like getting directions from The Scarecrow, to find Oz). After a few minutes of this I go out and chat with the receptionist. Again, leading in with humility and friendliness.

She explains that the big labels on rooms are names, not numbers, so I need to look for a room called Elliot. Im thinkin "WTF, over. My company is so dumb.", but I stifle it. I waltz over to Elliot and see that the session has started.

I am decisively against showing up late for meetings. Even more against popping in there in the middle of the meeting. Its just rude. And I didnt recognize the back of anyone's head, so I still wasnt entirely sure this was the right room. So I figure I will wait until the 10am break. I go and watch some TV in the cafeteria. 

10am is approaching quickly so I start to wait in the hall. I see some people I know, but they are from another discipline. So I think that I might be in the wrong place. At the break, I walk into the room and scan. No, this cannot be the right place. So I walk back out to the receptionist.

She says she will have to email the group that schedules this stuff. And I will have to wait. So I start making some small talk. And some rude dude busts in, all huffy about being late. I wait until he leaves and joke with the receptionist about people at our company. We kinda make fun of em together. A few minutes and laughs later, an email comes in telling me that my training is in the room *right next door* to Elliot. (a ... duhhhhh)

So I walk balk over there and stride into the room next to Elliot. Again, I scan the room. And it becomes instantly apparent that the room right next to Elliot has been modified to be *a part of* Elliot. They are both the same room, and I am again ... in the wrong place.

At this point, the only sensible thing is to go to my new office, and try and look up the room location. So I go back to the parking lot (get lost for 10 minutes again, and find my car using the same search method) and then zoom off to building 84.

I pass my coworker's office and chuckle at the sign left by the movers. It's has the following word in big bold letters: "OOOPS!". And then I see something hanging on my office door. Its a move sheet from the movers. It says "We set up." And it is hanging right next to my sign to them which says, "Please leave my stuff. I will set it up myself. Thank you"

(Does this not seem a bit off to you?)

I open my door. And sure enough, they had rearranged my entire office. Or more specifically, un-arranged what I had done on Thursday. My desk was in a different place. My computers were rearranged. My boxes moved. The chair that I stuck in someone else's room - was back. The only thing they didnt do, was bring that godawful bookcase back. (The one that I took off the wall and left in a coworker's office for a gag).

Oi. So now I spent time setting up a machine. I get onto the intranet, and search for my information. The internal page detailing the training is ridiculous. I mean, there was not one single direct link to my information. So after about 5 minutes of rooting around and clicking, I *finally* found what I was looking for. I need to go to Building 33 - which is basically right across the street from 36. I have a room number. Im on a mission.

I park at 33, and walk around the garage to try and find the elevator. There are all sorts of arrows pointing to various named conference rooms (again, this never ceases to amaze me.) So I do a bit of back and forth walking until I finally find an exit. I emerge into the building.

I start walking around, looking for my room number. A left here, a right there, and I am soon lost. I start looking around to survey my situation. The first thing I notice is that I am *not* in Building 33. Somehow, I managed to go up the wrong elevator, and end up in Building 34. Im about to say ugh, and curse, when I see the penultimate sign high on the wall. It is designed like a street sign, and it says:

Infinite Loop

I look around a bit more, and I notice that there are "Infinite Loop" signs at about every corner. And at this point, there is only two things I can do.

1) Curse the Universe for its vile trickery

2) Laugh.

After doing both, I wander around until I finally find the Receptionist. I explain to her that I am dumb. That I need to find Building 33. And that I thought I had found it, but somehow got lost in the garage. She thought this was pretty amusing - so her and her compatriot were more than helpful.

I barely made it to building 33 without gettin super confused. Her directions were probably good, if I hadnt have already lost my fucking mind in this Alicey Wonderland nonsense.

I walk into the foyer of 33, and start looking for my room. Again - no numbers just names. I turn the corner, and there is a flock of young girls. (And I do mean flock - about 40 of them pouring out of an overstuffed room of girls). I roll my eyes, wondering what could *possibly* happen next. And I spot a white sign, with pink lettering "Digigirrrrls". I shake my head cause I dont even know what that means.

And then finally, past the pimple-clad throngs of the giggling gaggle ... I spot the prize. Three coworkers standing in a semi-circle, chatting. Yes!

So. After 2 hours of complete and utter nonsense back and forth across campus, I finally made it to my training. Funny thing is ... that after the first hour, we went to lunch until 2. Then, my boss told me that I didnt have to attend the tools training because it would be useless.

Duh. I said that last week.

And my response to this whole ordeal in general? Oddly enough, this:

I thought of someone. And wanted them to be there. Laughing with me, at the silliness of it all. This thought made it fairly easy to remain calm and lighthearted.

And

Universe. You are back! And I see that you have been busy planning to make amends to me for your shrewd lack of weird in recent months. Are we going to be humorous companions again? I wont even ask you the other question I know you think I have on my mind. Its pretty aparent what the answer is - yes. But maybe not so much yes ;)

And BTW - I forgive you. You totally know I am on the side of comedy.

Love ya.

Actually, now that my old stomping grounds are on my mind ... I had a quick memory.

About a year ago, I had convinced an Austrian Au Pere to juggle 3 Rainbow trout in the middle of the dance floor. Naturally, I didnt have any Rainbow Trout on me, so I told her that she would have to wait.

Due to being me, I forgot every time I went back to dance class or gatherings. Until I would see her that night. And so she egged me on, and made the Perennial Mistakes:

1. Never doubt me when I say I will do something. 
2. Never underestimate my capacity for nonsense
3. In the event you forget #1 and #2, NEVER EVER tell other people about my plot. Especially if you dont want the plot to unfold.

So just before she left for the country, I showed up with 3 medium-sized rainbow trouts. I also included lemons so that she could attempt to freshen up afterwords (Im not a jerk, just a little silly!).

I also arranged with the front desk people to store the trout in their refridgerator until after the dance. Precautions! So that the floor would get all trouty before people were dancing on it.

 

But when it came right down to it ... She chickened out. So I gave her the trout as keepsakes.

And hopefully, she learned all of the lessons above.

Man. That was totally fun!

Sunday.

For whatever reason, I am craving McDonalds. So I pull up to the drive-thru, wait to hear from the lady, and put in my order. There is a pregnant pause.

"Umm. Ya. Sir, we arent serving lunch yet, so I cannot take your order." The tinny voice says.

Im curious. "Oh, Okay. So what time do you start serving lunch then?"

"Eleven." She says.

Yewp: Internal Monologue.

I know I have serious clock issues. There isnt a pair of clocks in my posession *anywhere* that say the same time. Some are off by minutes. Some by hours. So Im not really sure that my dashboard 11:03 is correct.

Oh oh! I bet my cell is probably correct.

Flurrrp: Back to Reality.

"Uhhhhhhhhh... Isnt it Eleven Now?" I ask, seeing that it is 10:58 on my cell clock.

"Hold on a second sir. Let me ask the Manager if I can ring up your order." She replies. And I wait. And wait. I see a man starting to flip the drive-thru menus to something more lunchy.

"I'm sorry sir. I cannot take your order yet. We dont start lunch until Eleven." She squeaks. "But if you drive around back into line, we should be ready to take your order then."

Errrrrt!: Internal Monologue.

Lady - are you fucking kidding me? For Real - this is your solution? Its 10:59, officially. And you dont take lunch orders until 11:00. So you want me to drive through the drive-thru, around the building, and get in line AGAIN?

I have heard of Red Tape - hell work at a Kingpin of Red Tape. But ...

What. The. Fuck.

Over.

This is like the grandaddy of all Red Tapes. Its like Bureaucracy's Holy Grail. The Loch-Ness Monster. Sasquatch. Elvis Kidnapped by Aliens. Tu-Pac.

Unbelieveable.

Shabloomph: Back To Reality.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." I couldnt really get a dignified word out of my mouth - my eyebrows were furrowed to tightly, and it was throwing off my whole conversational game. I was about to use the penultimate trump phrase : 'I have no response to that.'

But she interjected, "Oh Wait! The manager says I can take your order now." She seemed a bit relieved. "Welcome to McDonalds, what would you like to order?"

Yes. Universe.

You are silly.

While standing on my porch, I heard the following being screamed in a scratchy voice, from a black escalade driving down the road:

"The war is fucking over Lebowksi. The hippies lost! My advice to you is to get a FUCKING JOB!"

Dude totally misquoted, but it awesome nonetheless.

Oh. I didnt mention that I love random nonsense? My mistake.

This is such a Me thing to do. Cannot believe he beat me to the punchline:

I have been reading the Red Book for the last two days. I am about halfway through it or so.

In one particular part, there was an intriguing invitation - to speak to a forgotten deity, a prayer, to remember your dreams. When I read this, I thought, "Hrm! Now thats a nifty notion! Wonder what happens if I give that a shot?"

Yes, I am inquisitive. Nope, not religious. But spiritual. Divinely playful. And just about always willing to give something a try once, if it tickles my fancy. Which this idea did. Cause heck - who wants to remember dreams, and possibly interpret them?

"Ooh! I do, I do!" I say, raising my mental hand in the air, "Pick ME!"

And so as I put the book down, I considered how I might do this. What does a prayer sound like? A made up one? I dunno, I havent done anything like that in foreverwhatsits. But damnit, if I cant pull something out of my ass, I cannot even begin to make progress. With that thought I was determined. Mildy. Okay, trepidly.

So I put on some Sex and the City (Cause I occasionally like to fall asleep to Movies/Shows. You got a problem with that?). And then paused it for prayer.

Now, in case you ever get a hair in you spiritual butt to try this, and become as confused as I was ... I will share my prayer with you here (it was said aloud with my eyes closed and spirit attempting to focus):

"Ummm...

Dude, Im not even sure how to pronounce your name. So please excuse me while I fumble through it once or twice. (Yes, I am a uncultured snot, sorry). Ass-Clee-pius?

No wait, that doesnt sound right. Lemme give it another go. Ah-Sclee-pius?  Sure. That sounds better.

Dear Asclepius,

I am reading this book see. And it suggested that you would be delighted hear from me. So I figured maybe, I would give it a shot. Ummm.

Im not really sure how to go about this at all. Im hoping that you can help me with something. I would like for you to help me remember my dreams tonight. Hopefully, they will be good ones!

In return for this, Im not convinced what I should do. But I can tell you that I will try my best to have some playful fun with the results! And if all goes well, maybe even try and grow in some form from what I have seen.

So, if you would help me out, I would greatly appreciate it.

(Man that sounds stupid. Do you get rough drafts on prayers to deities? Wait wait ... blue, red. Girls. What? There are way too many thoughts trying to compete for my attention right now. I need to refocus. Breathe)

Yes, sorry about that. Im back.

Anyway, I dont know how to end this. (I mean seriously, how does one really talk to a deity anyway? Especially if the conversation is one sided. Seinfeld. Wait. Center) So hopefully just a nice heartfelt goodbye and thank you will work.

Night! And thank you!

Jay.

Which is another way to say - yes deity, I am an idiot. Help?

Anyway... the results!

I did have a few vividish dreams. And I did wake shortly after them. And ... AND! I remembered them in good detail. Whoa - my stupidity worked!

However.

I forgot to anticipate that I would be waking up in the middle of the night. And would be so groggy that I could only get a thought of writing it down, or dictating it on my phone ... before the rest of me grunted and said, "Dont be a FOOL! Back to sleep!" And I dozed off as the other part tried to commit the dream details to memory.

So By now, I have lost most of the gist. And that effectively goes, "Convincing some dude that I can be both, when tasked to choose if I am Spiderman or Superman. In a circular building with tentlike walls. Dude looked like Tony Little"

Anyway. The moral of the post - be more prepared, even if you might consider yourself being silly. And the followup of the post - it might be kinda cool to give this another shot, and possibly even have a Dreams Vox!

(Cue oohs and ahhs)