19 posts tagged “memories”

Today is my One Year Voxiversary!

Yes, that means you have had to deal with yours truly for a whole year. Postin and ramblin away at this and that. Big things. Small things. Personal things. Open things. Just whatever comes to my mind.

I have defintely enjoyed the switch over to Vox. One of the best things about it is definitely the people. From the very start, Vox has felt like more of an open minded community, where people genuinely want to get to know new people. I definitely appreciate that. And its probably why I stay.

A lot has gone on in the last year. Lets look at some highlights and little known facts to celebrate:

 

First, the connectedness ...

Total number of posts in last year: 435

Average number of hits per month: 3000

Average number of unique visitors per month: 1800

Most number of hits in one day: 198

Approximate states that have viewed my blog: 30

Approximate countries that have viewed my blog: 50

Yes, I find stat tracking to be utterly fascinating. I do nothing more than just glimpse at some numbers and such. Its fun. I have always been into odd statistics (but not the actual science of Statistics. icko!)

 

Second, the neighbors...

The first person I did not know who became my mutual neighbor: Jen

The first person I did not know, who became my mutual neighbor, and still comments a lot: Narami 

The first person I did not know, who meant a lot to me (and I miss dearly): Kiss Me Cate (my e-sis)

The first person I did not know, and developed an e-crush on: (pfft! ya right)

I could talk about my neighbors all night. All of you should know why I like you. And if not, well jeez ... just ask. Im not afraid to celebrate you! You make it all worth it.

 

Third, the favorites ...

My favorite post of the last year: Paint It Jossy

My most popular post of the last year: Ladies Pro Tip: Celebrate Your Youness (even made a [TIG]!)

My favorite Audio Post of the last year: Dream Date: The Playlist

My favorite Art Post of the last year: Juxtapose, I <3 U

My favorite The Weird Post of last year: Good Karma Gives Good Timing

 

My favorite Audio Track I have posted in the last year:

 

My favorite video I have posted in the last year:

 

 

My favorite Art I have posted in the last year:

 

 

My favorite Art I have made and posted in the last year:

 

 

My favorite book I have read and posted in the last year:

 

My favorite pic of me taken in the last year:

 

 

And there are countless more favorites. I just cant think of enough categories. And cause ... well Im really bad doing the whole favorite thing. Not my schtick.

Although ... there is a whole section of favorites that I am leaving off completely. Mostly because I post about that all the time. You know *exactly* what I am talking about.

 

I could go on to cover some other stuff. Like bad stuff. Sad stuff. Effed up stuff. Tiring stuff. But lets not, okay? There is more than enough happy to go around right now, this past year. Lets keep it positive.

 

And on that I bid you a huge

Thanks!

 

To Vox. To Neighbors. To Silent Readers. To Everyone!

May the next 365 bring more living and sharing. And goodness. And silliness. And just plain fun.  

I popped a CD into my car stereo...

 

 

And my mind wandered as I listened to the song. And it stumbled upon the same thought pattern it always trips over when I hear this song.

It went straight for my father.

The song carries me back to a certain period of my life with him. All the feelings wrapped up in that. And more specifically ... it is a *distinct* reminder of what I want to be in a father. If I ever have kids.

Cause more than anything, this song makes me sad. And wonder.Just what I would be now. Just who I would be now. Where and how I would be now...

 

If he handnt have been so judgemental.

And I wouldnt have been just a little boy who desperately needed his approval.

So each week, I usually think about what I could put out for a Top 5. A lot of times, circumstances pop up and wrench my fingers to a specific subject. This week was no different in that regard.

But ... this week was different in another aspect.

I am a fairly confident person. I think most people who meet me, remark about my self-assuredness - somehow this also intimidates them. (sillies). However, I do a lot of "reality checks" internally. Maybe its to keep pomposity down, or something. You might call it healthy doubt, or nervousness, or just ... whatever.

So this week, I had a general subject in mind. But I didnt really know what to express. Top5's came flashing to my mind, and then I would say, "No. You cant do that. That could have negative, or unintended reprocussions." And since this happened a lot, there is only one thing to do ... Make today's Top5 completely Meta!!!

 

So with out further adieu ...

 

Jay's Top5 Top5s He CouldaWouldaShoulda Posted This Week.

 

5) Top5 Simple Wishes, No Matter How Silly. 

Yes I have lots of little wishes. Many of them barely make sense to me. So trying to communicate my little flights of fancy to other people ... maybe not the best idea. The truth might not be conveyed properly. Or it might be conveyed *too* properly.

Inference does wonders to muck with reality.

Plus, some of my silly wishes are so time-space quagmired, that its just hard to read on paper without a huge-ass explanation. And a lot of background information. Probably an exploding post if I ever saw one.

 

4) Top5 Ways to Show Me You Care.

Communication is very important to me. And after I made a comment on someone's Vox about this subject, it occurred to me that maybe Im not so up front about it. Maybe its because Im complicated. Maybe its because Im not sure how to explain it broadly. Maybe its because I dont wanna give away all my secrets.

Maybe its because Im not sure its a cool subject - kinda assy non?

Who knows. But I am sure that if I were directly asked, I could give the questor ... information overload. This is what happens when you are an introspectivist.

A self-pontificator.

 

3) Top5 Little Moments that Made Me Happy.

There were so many. But picking the Top5 wouldnt be too hard.

Ive always felt like you could tell a lot about a person, and a situation ... based upon the little things that they hold dear. And this blog has always been about committing myself to myself, for myself ... and allowing whoever wants to be there for all of that, to be there.

So based upon my philosophy, this would tell you a lot about me. And it would tell future me a lot about present me.

 

2) Top5 Directly Honest Feelings.

Ya. They are jumbly. Ya, they probably dont make too much sense.

But I think if I really pressed myself, I could at the very least, nail down the gist of it all. And sometimes I feel like I already have. But a part of me want to deny what I have come up with. For safety, or something. For ... posterity, maybe.

But also ... they are clawing and screaming to get out. Run wild in the streets of the world and be free! The real-er they are, the harder they fight for the wind in their hair.

Cause they are spiritedly on fire. (Im an aries, you expect any less?)

 

 

 

 

And the Number One Top5 Top5 CouldaWouldaShoulda  is....

 

 

 

 

 

 

1) Top5 Nervousnesses of the Week.

Along the same lines as the intro to this post.

In general, I am cocky enough to believe that if I put my mind to it ... I can accomplish *anything*. Seriously ... anything. Dedication, Persistence, Determination, and a bit of Creativity, goes a long way. Delusionally enough, I also believe that if you show me something I wanted but didnt acomplish - I just didnt want it enough (way to go on the potentially spurious belief justification!)

So naturally, I think very highly of myself, in a certain ... particular way. Oddly enough, I am also very self-critical. I will be the first person to just rank on myself - harder than many other people would dare. I see fault in me, where others do not.

So I tend to get a touch nervous. Why? Its not because I dont believe I am good. Its mostly because Im not quite sure how to convey the truth of me to someone else so that they understand. And agree - which they should.

Yes. So this is the centerpoint of my nervousnesses. A failure to communicate truthiness. It drives me crazy. And it really drove me crazy this week. On a particular subject.

I guess I should just stop being such a damned perfectionist. (asshole).

Got any ideas?

:P

Sparkles -

You once told me, "Jay. I have been all around this country, and met countless people. But I have never known anyone like you. You truly are ... Unique."

I let that compliment sit, cause it looked like you were gonna say something else. Almost every time I hear the Unique Compliment, there is something more to be said. And It was in your posture. The way it changed, punctuating your thought with movement.

"But, damn. You are so complex. And I am very simple."

 

I told you that I thought I was simple too. That I try to operate basically under a certain small set of my own rules. And I told you a story about describing an orange. But not just any orange. *That* Orange.

Years later, I think this anecdote probably confirmed your assessment in your mind. And who knows, you might just be right - I have very little perspective on this subject, because of bias.

 

But in my mind, the gist of me is wonderfully simple.

Its when I want you to know me, or attempt to understand me at a very deep level, that I get complicated. But its more like ... specificity in my mind. Yet, I can understand how this might appear very complicated to other people - sometimes it even seems complicated to me.

I guess, I will change my analogy a bit.

 

In the Fruit Stand of Life, some people are Apples. Some people are Oranges.

I am a Lime. 

I am not the only Lime. But if you look at my basket, you will see that I am the most unique Lime. Very identifiable by everything me. You just have to focus correctly to really see.

I understand that not everyone likes Limes. Even though they might not know what this Lime tastes like - they will still judge it as a Lime. Thats just how humans work. Concentric circles of generalities.

And thats okay. Cause I dont want someone who likes anything ...

except *this* Lime.

And whatever the hell that really means.

 

 

So, the long and short of it, Curly ... is you are both right and wrong.

Just thought you might like to know. Figuratively Speaking.

-Chico.

 

Dear Juxtapose -

Have I told you lately, how I <3 U?

You are the only magazine for me. Just seeing you in the store makes me melt.

Thanks for being you.

- Me

 

Art Art Art ... people!

Since I am taking a break from the day, I am going to send a Saturday shout out to newly found art that I am totally digging.

 

First up: Joshua Petker

 

 

Its jarring. Its attractive. Slightly disturbing. And yet you still look at her face and want to know her story. The expression begs me to talk to Bloody Mary. What is going on in there?!

I must know.

 

Second: Ian Francis

 

I am totally digging this guy's subject work. And his delivery. This piece specifically spoke to me, and I *needed* to share. Mostly because it instantly took my mind's breath away. And pulled me in an all too familiar direction. Basically, it goes like this:

Alternative todays - if it coulda been. Hopeful tomorrows, when they will be.

Remember when I said that the universe would simultaneously implode and explode? Yes, it would look like this. Wild see of colors. Rambunctuous do of things.

The death star collapses, and we watch. Thinking and connecting the tiniest dots of the minds that only two peas can pod out. Wait. What? Oh yes ... it is *all* fantabulous.

Put away your worries in purple.

 

Yup. Love it.

 

 

Third: Gregory Euclide

 

*swoon*

This guy could possibly be my new favorite artist whose subject isnt women or music. I love all of his work - but this was the first that I saw. I cant even elaborate further than the fact that

I am drooling.

 

Occasionally, I do finish pieces of art. (although, when is art ever really finished?). So I am going to share with you, a finished piece from long ago. This particular piece is pretty special to me.

 

Back in high school, I was enrolled in a few art classes to round out my knowledge. At the time, I was in a drawing class and we were closing out on the quarter. My teacher approached me to say that there was a regional show coming up in two weeks. And that she wanted to exhibit some of my work in the show.

I asked her what pieces. And she selected a pencil drawing, a charcoal drawing, and a mixed media piece (oil and ink - I was also taking painting from her). I said okay ... but what about the one I was currently working on.

She said, "I dont think you can get it ready in time." And I was having none of that.

I was only about a week or two into the piece. It was going slowly because, well ... colored pencil probably wasnt the best medium choice. However, I was really excited about it, because I thought it was going to be an interesting piece. But moreso, because I was enthralled with the story behind it in my mind. The message I was trying to convey.

So I worked my ass off for the next two weeks. I dont think I have ever poured so much effort into one piece - all the way up present day. I literally *lived* with that drawing for two whole weeks.

I finished it on the day of the show.

I loved it. She loved it.  And apparently, so did the judges, as they gave it a blue ribbon. Quite a few years later, I even resurrected the piece and submitted it to another competition. It won awards there too. (Which makes it my most acclaimed piece of art ever, with the widest exposure - encompassing approximately 5 states).

All that peacocking aside, the best award is the personal feelings I have about this piece. It just *means a lot to me*.

 

So without further adieu ... I share with you:

 

 

 

 

And here are some detail shots:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hope you enjoy.

I was walking back from the corner store today, and I saw something amazing and silly at the same time.

Its 9:20 AM, about 36 degrees outside - an overcast Seattle morning. Coming towards me is this mass of movement. As it gets closer, I see what it really is: A woman jogging uphill, behind a double-wide baby stroller, with two black labs on leashes in between her and the babies.

My first thought: "Wow. Thats dedication. And multitasking!"

My second thought: "Not to bother you miss, but wouldnt it be better if the dogs were tethered in front of the stroller? Thats generally how they do it in the Big Leagues. And you get to say funny things like Mush!"

...

I am now at my apartment, listening to music. For whatever reason, I decided to revive an oldie:

 

Such a great album! Very playful lyrics in most of the songs. And it makes me laugh!

Not to mention that Mekong is quite possibly the best bar song EVER. 

 

One set of lyrics that always gets me inspired, in a spunky me kinda way (from European Swallow):

Some big old guy

Comes up to me and says

Hey skinny white boy, I dont like the way you look at my girlfriend

What an ugly thing to say I said

But dont you flatter yourself

You know, I dont think that much of your ... girlfriend.

 

(guitar interlude)

 

So big old guy

Socks me in the nose

And I falls on my back

And I gets blood on my clothes and he says

Hey skinny white boy whaddya think about that? And I say well ... 

It doesnt change

But you know I still dont think that much of your ... girlfriend.

 

Actually, I love just about every song on this album for different reasons. Although it is not my usual musical style ... I still think it is one of my favorite albums. Especially for all the different emotions it stirs up.

I just got back from my first ever blood test!

I was totally nervous, because I had never done it before. Let alone for a couple of tests all at once. So I told the Medical Vampire Guy, "Uhh, you are going to have to help me out here. I dont know what to do, cause I have never had a blood test before man."

He wrapped my arm up with that weird rubber band thing and tightened it. Then he asked, "Ever given blood?" I looked him right in the eye and said, "Nope".

Then there was this silent conversation, conducted completely with eyes and facial expressions. It went like this:

HIM: You have never given blood?! Shame on you! RAWR!!!

ME: Easy there chewy. Back off on the shunning me thing. k?

He interrupted briefly "Well, thats odd. You have a phenomenal blood vein right here on your arm. Very few people have such a big one. Thick and pronounced."

Look talk continued:

HIM: An even *better* reason for you to give blood. BOOO! BOOOO, I say!

ME: Stop. Dont you look at me in that tone of voice!

HIM: BOOOOO!

ME: Yeah dude, as if there is some guy wandering around the street, saying things like, 'Let me see your arms! What a fabulous vein you have there my friend. You should be a professional blood giver guy. It would be a travesty not to! Come, come!'

ME: Do you *see* how ridiculous you sound?!

HIM: ...

ME: Thought so.

And then he poked me and sucked out my blood. It was painless. And nothing to be so nervous about. 

Sweetness! I'm a big kid now :) 

... The Idiot Savant.

There are certain things that my memory is a mental midget at. Without fail, I *will* forget them, and will inevitably look stupid with anyone who can easily recall them. This often leads to me being the butt of some jokes, of course.  Quite possibly because most guys I know believe that I think more like a girl.

My memory is *extremely* associative. So without fail, I will remember certain types of things. Or certain details. Or certain connections, mental leaps between two seemingly unrelated things. This inevitably astounds people, and quite frequently perplexes them - the whole "Why on Earth would you remember that?".

I have dealt with this for a long time, so I am comfortable with it. It kinda defines me. And I am sure, if you looked for meanings hard enough ... you would find that it fits Me.

Some examples:

Directions. When talking to almost any male, I seem like a complete dumbass with directions. They talk in street names and numbers and blocks and yada yada blaahhh. I think in terms of landmarks and relative locations. So if someone were to ask me, "How do I get to the Hurricane?" I would say, "Pretend like you are going to the Space Needle. You know ... that big street. Look for the Pink Elephant on your left. Its back in there somewheres. Just get a bit lost behind that place and look for a motel and dank building."

Compass Locations: It never fails that someone is going to ask me about "Is that North or South of X ...?" And it never fails that the answer comes pregnantly after the following internal dialogue (usually with pointing and looking up, or at least me visualizing the actions in my head):

"Okay X relative to That. Hrm. Okay, the city is on the water. What direction is X and That relative to the city? Well, water is East, so the City is East of That and X. Never Eat Shredded Wheat. Okay, thus That is North of X."

"However! I now live on the West Coast, which means *everything* is backwards. So the city is still on the water, but the water is West instead of East. Therefore, That is actually South of X."

Music: A lot of music buffs can tell you all these factoids about music they like. The artist, the producer, the studio, the year. I rarely can do any of this. However, I can tell you all sorts of odd stuff. I can tell you riffs I recognize from other tunes. I can tell you if you are playing a CD out of order. I can frequently get the melody or lyrics of the beginning of the next song before it comes on, just by knowing the order. I can tell you when a great break happens, sometimes even with the approximate time on the track. I can tell you album art for a song. 

Names: I am horrible with names. Most people have to tell me their name at least 5 times before I can even start remembering. However, I can always remember the nicknames, even for brief encounters. And since I can remember faces very well ... I can put face to nickname like no other. This is despite the sheer volume of people I have met. (I would guess a lowball estimate to be roughly 25000+, maybe as high as 50000+)

Details: I am a fairly detail oriented person. Since I notice a lot of them, I can usually recall the oddest things that most people missed about a person, or a situation. I actually *savor* these details. I can tell you about posture memories. The way someone walked. The timbre in their heel clicks. An scent that they were wearing. A particular fashion accessory. They way they said something. An odd factoid about that person. This gets extended to my surroundings too. But it usually costs me something glaringly obvious - especially after time.

First Impressions: For every single person I have ever been in Love with, I can accurately describe the outfit they were wearing when I first saw them. Down to shoes, socks/nylons, color scheme, patterns in the prints, and general fit of the outfit. This also happens for the ladies that I *could* have fallen in Love with. This currently goes back as far as a decade.   

etc...

 

The interesting thing, is that I tend to remember a lot of things people do not. And forget a lot of things people do not. However, if someone tells me their memories, I can usually associate that to other things they do not remember at all, that still fit with my associative tendencies.

These memories are of course, strengthened by some internally arbitrary set of "Rules of Importance" set forth by none other than the Idiot Savant. Which can be frustrating at times. But also ... spontaneously delightful.

But since I have a constantly changing circle of friends, I historically forget a lot. No one to strengthen my associations, you see. Another good reason to blog, I think. Otherwise, I am soon left with portions of my life that are summed up as such:

"She had a beautiful heart. Smelled like Vanilla all the time. Always matched her bra to her panties. I met her wearing that beige outfit I remember so well. Once got a horrible haircut and cried for 2 days. Had obsessive tendencies that were cute at times." and constantly ask myself, "What exactly happened there? What did we do?" 

Way to go ... Idiot.

I love you ... Savant.

I was having a conversation with one of my bestest friends. We were talking about women and me. And during this conversation, something struck me as odd:

ME: Okay, if I *absolutely* have to...

ME: I would say she would look something like ... 5 foot 3 ish. Curly Brunette. I dunno, maybe 115 pounds? Im really bad with feminine weights. Um, doesnt need to be too boobish. Should have a nice grabable butt. Decent legs. Great walk. Medium sized lips. Nice smile, and not afraid to use it. Sparkling eyes - the kind that twinkle at you a little bit. Ya ... SECRET eyes!

ME: In the grand scheme of things, not universally beautiful. But ungodly attractive to me. You know, her own kind of physical beauty.

HER: Really?! Wow. I mean, I would have never pictured you with a woman like that. Are you sure thats "your type"?

ME: Well, no. Not really. I already told you I dont really have a type - look at all the women I have dated for christsakes. But you made me do it!

ME: (thinks for a second) Waitaminute! You're not that slick, chica. Oh no, you tried to slide that right by me. Wrong! (pauses) So ... what kind of woman did you picture me with?

HER: I always pictured you with some gorgeous blonde woman. She would be super thin. And she would be really tall. Like taller than you. And wow ... beautiful. I mean, like model caliber.

HER: Ya, and she would be a wonderful person too, who everyone wanted to be around. She would be dripping Charisma. Kinda like you!

The odd thing here is that this is someone who knows me *very* well. And our perceptions of who I would be dating are completely different. I mean - a blonde?! If we are going to be superficial here, I would rank blondes at like 7th on hair color. Taller than me? Hrm, never pictured that one until recently ;) Model? Havent gone that route in a lonnnng time.

This, and about 10 thousand other instances, are regular reminders that I should always check other people's perceptions. Look around, and give their shoes a bit of an amble.