Odd meanderings of the mind.

For some reason, I got to thinking about a post a friend made quite some time ago (maybe a year+). She was talking about something a mutual friend said to her once. Its been a while, and I cannot find the post, but I internally conceptualized the tidbit as something like this:

The key to happiness, the answer to it all lies in knowing 3 things:

1) Know where you are

2) Know where you want to go

3) Know who you want to take with you.

I have rarely had a problem with Number 1. I constantly try and truly know where I am at, on so many levels. This is something I pay attention to almost daily. To some regard, deeper introspection on the subject occurs closer to weekly - dictated by events and emotions.

For a long time in my life, I owned Number 2. I knew exactly where I wanted to go. Now, I dont. And I think it has come with a certain shift in my desires. What is really important to me. Specifically, I really believe it is because I have already achieved all that I set out for when I did *own* Number 2.

As I come to really be fully me, I have come to accept certain things. First of all, there are two aspects that are fundamental to me - good or bad - that I have just come to accept as constants throughout *my* life:

1) I am comfortable with and embrace change. Most specifically with locality - I have moved over 25 times in my life (longest time I spent any one place was 4 years). But I have also grown comfortable with change in goals. Life perspective. Dreams. etc.

2) People drift in and out of my life like homes. I have very few old friends that I even contact anymore - not that I do not love them, and believe that I could call them up and erase the absence in 3 minutes. I dont really consider them friends most of the time, anymore. I am just that unattached to people (and place). Its all I have known, really. You move a lot, and you *have* to accept that you will lose and gain friends. Aging doesnt make this any less clear - as everyone moves forward in their own lives.

This might seem odd to some people, perhaps even a bit cold and heartless. But you have to just step outside your reality and understand me for a minute - understand my reality.

In short - My parents divorced when I was super young (maybe 5?). My mom remarried, and I was thrust into the life of a navy child. I have *never* had a house - my father lived in apartments, even when I finally lived with him. I stopped really hearing from my mom at the age of 11 - seeing her maybe 5 times from then til now. My father and I had a falling out that started when I was sixteen, and got really bad at 21. I have seen him 3 times since.

In fact, since 21 - I have lived in 2 states, 10 different places/cities, lived with 3 serious girlfriends (one that asked me to marry her), been effectively homeless twice, gone to college and got a Bachelor's Degree, had countless crap jobs and 2 decent ones.

So when I hear people talk about their family life growing up - their nostalgia for homes and people. Brothers, sisters, etc. I have little I can truly relate to except for dreams. I can empathize with what they are saying merely because they have had a lot of things that I never had - if for nothing more than *stability*.

And that just scratches the surface. Yes - change is my life.

But now ... all of this is really just adding up to Number 3.

Right now, Number 3 is the most important thing to me. Everything else is negotiable, because frankly - it has always been so change driven that it doesnt make sense to really focus on it. And since change, in place and people, has been a central factor in my life, I am finding it important to discover the few people who will break this rule.

And ultimately, the one special person who could break this rule.

However - as I have gotten older and experienced many different things, I have grown extremely picky. Selective if you prefer. And so I ultimately FUCKING REFUSE to just accept. I am not looking to just find anyone to go with me. But to find someone I *want* to go with me. Really, truly, deeply ... want.

And if I cannot find that person, I *WILL* go alone.

Because if there is one other thing that I have "learned" over the years, it is this simple fact of my life:

The only person who absolutely has to be there for you ... is you.

Other people may choose to be there. Forever. Or for a short time. But they never *have* to be there. No matter what they say. No matter who they are. No matter how they feel today or tomorrow. So when they choose to be there, it is special. And made even more special by you choosing them to be there with you. Every single time both of you make that choice.

And that is ... okay.

Just as it is okay to have no one with you, when there isnt anyone worthy enough to go with you. It isnt detachment ... its complete acceptance of your own worthiness. And you should tolerate no less than the best for your companion(s).

NO FUCKING LESS.