My Five Love Languages : Expression

I recently finished this book:

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

Gary Chapman

It was insightful. But honestly, what intrigued me about it, is that I have long held the belief that true communication of love is a multi-process endeavor. Before reading this book, I interpreted it as something like:

To truly communicate love, you must consider how you express and interpret the idea of love. Equally important in a relationship, is to understand how your partner expresses and interprets love. With all four pieces of knowledge, you can get extra information about your relational dynamic, that would not be there with the usual "Love is Universal" viewpoint.

And only at this level of understanding, can you begin to effectively work towards the best way to *communicate* the fuzzy idea of Love. And feel it every moment. And make your partner feel it every moment.

Its a process. A grand process of understanding. Knowing. Bonding.

So with that mindset, a lot of what is in this book resonated. It helped me expand upon my ideas with a more specific breakdown of *types* of communication. Previously, I had not delved this far. But I will attempt to do so now.

First.... My Five Love Languages. Via Expression. (or how I naturally express love to someone). Covered in order from most to least.

1) Quality Time.

This is the centerpoint of how I express love.

I think it partially stems from my viewpoint on time -  that it is a commodity that we all have unknown finite quantity of. Therefore, it is important to spend our time wisely. It can *never* be replenished. (and is thus, invaluable).

If I have feelings for someone, I want to spend more time with them. If I love someone, I want to spend a lot of time with them. And if I want to express love to someone, I spend a lot of quality time with them.

Time is easy to understand. I like to be around the person I am in love with *a lot*. This means having them as a central factor in my life. Having them around for the big things, as well as the small things. Being able to experience all aspects of life with them. To me, this is *healthy* and *natural*. (and to me, what isnt healthy is having it be excessively required)

Quality time is a bit more difficult to grasp. Its mostly about giving someone your undivided attention. Or as much of it as possible. Being attentively there for someone. Its an act of saying "You are the most important thing in the world to me right now". Its a very powerful statement to make.

What a lot of people do not seem to understand here, is that time is a silent, implied expression of love. I will spend a little bit of time with *anyone* (cause I do have some level of love for all people). But when I start spending a fair bit of time with someone, its because I care. It is never because I am bored and have nothing better to do - quite the contrary ... I always have a bajillion things I could be doing. So spending time with someone is clearly me saying, "I am doing whatever with you, even though I could rightfully be doing any number of other things.". And at a threshhold - its saying

"I love you".

2) Physical Touch

I am completely weird about personal space.

To me, personal space is *very* important. Which implies that it should only be invaded for a very specific set of reasons. When someone invades my personal space, I usually interpret it as only a couple of things. Thus, I am very careful about how I am around other people's personal space.

This plays out in many ways. If I am unattracted to someone, I often go Jello-Cat on them when they try to be physically affectionate. If I consider myself taken, and some other woman invades my personal space in specific ways ... I feel *very* uncomfortable. (VERY).

In general, I am not a very affectionate person. Most people will tell yout this.

However, when I really care about someone, I am definitely affectionate. This is a way of saying "I am entering your personal space, and allowing you to be in mine, because I care.". And also, "You are different to me than the masses of other people I meet. See - you get personal space privaledges that other people do not."

When I love someone, I will make extra efforts (aka do something that is not very natural to me) to invade their personal space. I want to touch them for no reason. I want to grab their leg for support when they are saying something. I want to run my hands through their hair. To grab them, pinch them, spank them, hold their hand, put my arm around them.

I want to be physically close to them in any and all ways I can.

3) Acts of Service

I am ranking this one higher than it probably should be for one specific reason:

To me, many acts of service are a very concrete way of expressing a deep love.

Again, the centerpoint to this language is my belief about time. When I am performing an act of service for someone, it is giving them a gift of sorts - something intangible. And it usually takes a bit of time, that I could be spending some other way.

Many acts of service that I would perform, are things that I do not inherently enjoy. So when I perform them, I am doing so solely as an expression of love for someone else. (which often makes them enjoyable, or tolerable in a worst case). Its a measure of self-sacrifice, in the name of someone else. Arguably, a cornerstone of Love.

Some acts of service are really small - taking out the trash, driving someone somewhere, running an errand for someone. Some acts of service are really large - I once moved completely moved someone by myself, because she was insanely busy at work and it needed to be done.

Regardless, they are all some level of expressing love.

4) Giving Gifts

I love to give gifts.

I love the whole process of gift giving. The thinking, the visioning, the personalizing, the planning, the secretiveness, the daydreaming about their reaction. Seeing their reaction, especially if you got it "Right" is the best feeling in the entire world. I love that look.

Unlike many people, I really do try to make all of my gifts *very* personal. I do try to go the extra mile, especially for occasion based gifts. For small everyday gifts, its more like a simple "I was thinking about you, and here is something to show it! You mean a lot, thanks!"

Again, this requires time and thought. So again, my value of time comes into play here. Its what seperates a "bought you something" kinda meh-gift, from a "I am giving YOU something" kinda whoa-gift.

And in that subtle difference, is the love. Of a specific person. Because you know them, or pay attention and can articulate that through a present ... of some sort.

Sometimes my gift might be a simple letter to someone. Or making a mundane gift special by writing something on the box. Or leaving them a post-it note in an odd place, for them to find at a later moment. Basically, its all about the thought process for me. And expression of emotions.

5) Words of Affirmation

In general, words of affirmation ranks last for me because all the others are concrete actions.

Actions speak louder than words. I generally use words to expand or clarify on my actions. So if I am speaking all the other love languages, I feel little need to speak this one. It is merely icing on the I Love You cake.

Specifically, I believe that words are completely meaningless, if your actions do not support them. Every now and then, a well placed word of affirmation is good though, because it does tend to make your feelings more readily concrete than actions do. And speaking is *technically* an action.

I usually do a lot of my words of affirmation packed into other languages. Like giving gifts with words (cards, letters, emails, texts, posts). Or spending some quality time just looking deeply into someone's eyes and telling them exactly how you feel.

But overall, the act of affirming in words does not necessarily imply love. Although I think it is a good part of a functional relationship ... I do not have a strong tie between words and expressing love. But that may be a matter of viewpoint/perspective, since I do link this as part of the other languages.

In general, this is my natural tendency for Expressing Love. However, I do try to observe what is working out for my partner, and adjust as needed. This is why the feedback loop is so important. It breaks down artificial barriers of miscommunication, and allows me the *choice* to adjust my love expression based upon the larger goal of it all ...

To make the other person *feel* loved.

After all, isnt that the point anyway?